We must act NOW!

Brothers and sisters. In preparation for my ministry I have made a detailed study of every form of sin and vice known to man, and woman. I have thoroughly immersed myself in every form of behavior considered wicked and immoral and degenerate. As long as it was considered "fun" I was there. All in the interests of being a better shepherd to my flock, of course.

But yesterday I saw something so vile, so wicked, so EVIL that I must mount my electronic pulpit and issue a denunciation!

I was visiting the liquor store in order to see what new forms the sinners who operate the distilleries had found in which to package their demon alcohol. I make these forays frequently in order to familiarize myself with all the ways Satan finds to tempt the weak willed among us. I must know from experience how these new forms of the demon rum taste and what effects the consumption of them in quantities large and small, mostly large, have on the human body.

As I walked down the isle gazing upon the bourbon and the scotch and the gin and the vodka what did my eye fall upon? I'll tell you! There nestled among the tequila was something so disgusting that I shudder to think of it even now.

Mothers cover the eyes of your children so that they will not be scarred by what I am about to show you.

That's right beloved. A mezcal, but not a mezcal with a wholesome and nutritious insect larvae. No this mezcal is polluted with a filthy and disgusting scorpion! A scorpion which does not change the taste of the beverage. A scorpion which does not absorb the impurities from the mezcal and make it smoother. A scorpion which simply sits at the bottom of the bottle and acts as a marketing gimmick to separate sinners from their money!

On their evil website the sinners who bottle this Devil's piss even have the gall to warn their customers to "please chew it [the scorpion] up adequately before swallowing"!

Brothers and sisters, do you need any more proof!?!

You know what must be done. Dig down deep and send me your maximum emergency contribution. Don't wait! Even as you sit in your comfortable office or den or bedroom reading these words some unfortunate may well be chewing up a scorpion.

Don't let this go on!