Beauty Queen absolved!

New York - In an announcement which shocked cable news talking heads and enraged radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh Pope Donald of Trump remitted the sins of Miss USA Tara Conner.

Ms. Conner had been seen consuming the products of fermentation and distillation in various New York drinking establishments in recent weeks in an evident attempt to pre-celebrate her 21st birthday, which finally occurred on Monday.

This latest incident comes on the heels of Ms. Conner's eviction from her room in the Papal Apartments after she was caught sharing "the love which dare not speak its name" (except on the Playboy Channel and Cinemax after 11:00 PM) with Miss Teen USA, Katie Blair.

In a statement distributed by the Papal Public Relations office in the Vatican Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City the Pontiff stated that at heart Ms. Conner was a good person and would be purified from all her transgressions after performing one act of contrition and completing a ritual of penance.

Ms. Conner performed the act of contrition by weeping on camera and vowing to improve her life. The ritual of penance, otherwise known as "attending rehab" will be completed in the near future.

News of the decree of Papal clemency spread like wildfire throughout the offices of cable news outlets and was a topic of conversation among several members of the general public across the nation.

Famed conservative talker Rush H Limbaugh spent the first hour of his nationally syndicated radio show denouncing the reduction of standards and erosion of expectations exemplified by forgiving Ms. Conner's peccadilloes. Mr. Limbaugh then spent the next hour of his program denouncing sports writers who take a judgemental attitude toward professional athletes who face troubles because of substance abuse or other brushes with the law.

In a statement issued by Miss USA Pageant co-owner NBC a spokesman for the television network acknowledged that Miss USA's conduct was a matter of concern to literally dozens of Americans and expressed the hope that the public would be able to find it in their hearts to forgive Ms. Conner half as much as she had already forgiven herself.