A new evil to plague us!

Brothers and sisters I must come before you to denounce a great evil which Satan has sent forth his demonic minions to inflict upon the faithful. May of you have already guessed what I am talking about. I mean the evil nectar of hell itself.

EGGNOG!

That's right eggnog. The elixir of the Devil himself. It is no coincidence that the very worst of the stuff is named after the evil Southern Comfort liquor.

As a part of my research into all the sins and vices which are common to mankind I attended a Christmas get together at the headquarters of a local motorcycle gang and was handed a glass of thick sweet nut meggy ambrosia. It was so good that I drank it down in one gulp.

I asked my host, a bearded gentleman named Rat, what it was and he told me that it was Southern Comfort eggnog laced with a generous amount of 100 proof Southern Comfort liquor.

I immediately realized that this was something that I had to investigate in detail. On my way home I stopped by the local Wal Mart and purchased several gallons of this product in both flavors, the traditional and the vanilla spice.

A side trip to the liquor store allowed me to procure several bottles of Southern Comfort, both the regular and the 100 proof and I was ready to begin my studies.

I mixed several glasses and found that each one tasted better than the last. After going through one of the bottles of Southern Comfort and two quarts of the eggnog I grew very sleepy and retired for the night on the kitchen floor.

The next morning I started to have my normal breakfast of an aspirin omelet and quart of black coffee, but found myself drinking more of the eggnog. It was then I realized the horrible secret of the 'nog.

It is as addictive as cocaine!

That's right! Satan has found a way to sidestep the drug laws and enslave a new generation!

To confirm my hypothisis I went out and bought several cases of not only Southern Comfort eggnog, but other brands as well. I also experimented with other types of liquor; Jack Daniel's and George Dickel and Wild Turkey all went very well with the 'nog.

I passed the next several day in a haze of eggnog. A virtual 'nogfog. By Christmas Eve I could barely stand. Christmas day I spent in bed. And the worst part was that this morning when I attempted to get dressed and go out for more 'nog I found that my frock coat, white shirt and trousers would no longer fit.

That's right brothers and sisters! The eggnog has somehow caused my clothing to shrink!

Merry Christmas!

Dr. Figg and the staff here at Dr. Figg's Nasty Blog of Knowledge would like to wish all our congregation of the 'net a very merry Christmas and the happiest of all possible New Years.

And to our Jewish friends a happy Hanukkah.

Dr. Figg does not celebrate, or even recognize Kwanza. For the reasons go here, here and here.

Miss Nevada Katie Rees stripped of title for nude pictures - UPDATE

In my previous post about the Miss Nevada Katie Rees nude pictures scandal I neglected to post a direct link to where the uncensored and non watermarked pictures could be found.

Here it is.

I also believe that I failed to point out that some of the pictures show Miss Nevada Katie Rees kissing other woman on the mouth and on the naked breasts. Also Miss Nevada Katie Rees is shown having her breasts grabbed from behind by another girl while a third girl licks Ms. Rees' thong panties in a way which some might term, "Hot Lesbian Action!"

Here is the photo in question. For informational purposes only.

Of course I do not endorse the viewing of such material and I offer this only in the spirit of increasing understanding and compassion.

Nude Miss Nevada, Katie Rees needs help

Brothers and sisters. I have grave news for you. Just as the vultures feed upon the dead beast of the field so our fellow bloggers have begun to feed upon the carcass of the unfortunate former Miss Nevada, Katie Rees' career as a beauty queen.

Splash New Online has posted the offending nude photographs of Miss Nevada with a watermark designed to make it impossible, or at least more difficult to copy them and display them on other blogs.

A blog called Reinstate Miss Nevada Katie Rees has even been created by someone calling herself, or probably more accurately HIMSELF, Katie Rees. On this blog are reproduced some of the semi nude photos of Miss Nevada, Katie Rees.

Photos like this one:

Miss Nevada, Katie Rees exposing her buttocks

I show this photograph of a partially nude Miss Nevada, Katie Rees only for informational purposes. As a man of the cloth I do not endorse the display of photographs of nude women, even nude celebrities like Miss Nevada Katie Rees.

After viewing all of the nude photos of Miss Nevada Katie Rees I can tell you that this beautiful young woman who appears partially nude in photographs is troubled and requires counseling. I would be willing to spend a great deal of time with her one-on-one. We could discuss every detail of her sexual history and recreate the circumstances of each and every one of her falls into immorality. All in the interests of helping her to become a better person.

I am available to Miss Nevada Katie Rees, or to any other hot young woman who has had nude photographs posted on the Internet. Even if she was not a hot nude celebrity like Miss Nevada Katie Rees, but only a beautiful nude girl next door.

Those wishing to set up an appointment for counseling may contact me through this blog. Please send contact information and a sample of the nude photographs.

This post is from the heart and is in no way an attempt to grab search engine hits.

Christmas Meme

I was tagged by both Hillbilly White Trash and the Minuteman to participate in the Christmas Meme. I have to list three things I want for Christmas and three things I do not want for Christmas then tag five others by leaving a message in their comments referring them back to this post.

Very well, here goes.

Three things I want for Christmas:

1 - More members for my online congregation. Each of them eager to bring their tithes and offerings.
2 - A chance to witness one-on-one for an extended period of time with that now deposed Miss Nevada. We could explore her sin in detail. Perhaps even recreate it in order to help her understand and repent.
3 - The number of a good criminal attorney.

Three things I don't want for Christmas.

1 - Any kind of viral infection.
2 - Socks
3 - Another grand jury probe.


I now tag these fellow bloggers:

Perri Nelson
Allan Patterson
The World According to Carl
The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

I can only tag four since I haven't been doing this long enough to know that many other bloggers.

Dr. Figg is honored!

I awakened this morning a bit later than usual. I slept poorly due to the lingering upset at my exposure to the vile Scorpion Mezcal. I had to consume nearly an entire bottle in order to assure myself that it was an inferior product in every way to proper mezcal with a proper worm. This left me unable to carry out my normal ministry among the prostitutes and strippers of my city.

However I received a pleasant surprise after I had finished my normal breakfast of an aspirin omelette and quart of black coffee. I logged on to the Internet to read my favorite blogs and news sites (always on the lookout for sermon material).

What did I see when I visited Hillbilly White Trash but that Lemuel Calhoon, the lord temporal of the mighty Hillbilly Ecosystem had anointed me, a humble street preacher, to the august position of Official Chaplain of the Hillbilly Ecosystem!

I assure all my followers that I shall discharge the responsibilities of my position with all the zeal and diligence required of such a high position.

In coming days I will post a fee schedule for the remission of sins. Of course the more heinous the sin the more expensive the absolution (business is business).

We must act NOW!

Brothers and sisters. In preparation for my ministry I have made a detailed study of every form of sin and vice known to man, and woman. I have thoroughly immersed myself in every form of behavior considered wicked and immoral and degenerate. As long as it was considered "fun" I was there. All in the interests of being a better shepherd to my flock, of course.

But yesterday I saw something so vile, so wicked, so EVIL that I must mount my electronic pulpit and issue a denunciation!

I was visiting the liquor store in order to see what new forms the sinners who operate the distilleries had found in which to package their demon alcohol. I make these forays frequently in order to familiarize myself with all the ways Satan finds to tempt the weak willed among us. I must know from experience how these new forms of the demon rum taste and what effects the consumption of them in quantities large and small, mostly large, have on the human body.

As I walked down the isle gazing upon the bourbon and the scotch and the gin and the vodka what did my eye fall upon? I'll tell you! There nestled among the tequila was something so disgusting that I shudder to think of it even now.

Mothers cover the eyes of your children so that they will not be scarred by what I am about to show you.

That's right beloved. A mezcal, but not a mezcal with a wholesome and nutritious insect larvae. No this mezcal is polluted with a filthy and disgusting scorpion! A scorpion which does not change the taste of the beverage. A scorpion which does not absorb the impurities from the mezcal and make it smoother. A scorpion which simply sits at the bottom of the bottle and acts as a marketing gimmick to separate sinners from their money!

On their evil website the sinners who bottle this Devil's piss even have the gall to warn their customers to "please chew it [the scorpion] up adequately before swallowing"!

Brothers and sisters, do you need any more proof!?!

You know what must be done. Dig down deep and send me your maximum emergency contribution. Don't wait! Even as you sit in your comfortable office or den or bedroom reading these words some unfortunate may well be chewing up a scorpion.

Don't let this go on!

Dr. Figg is now on the map

Dr. Figg is honored to announce that he has joined the Hillbilly Ecosystem.

We here at the Nasty Blog of Knowledge feel that the overall tone of the Hillbilly Ecosystem will be a good fit for the NBoK and will do our best to uphold the standards set by other Ecosystem members such as Ignert Redneck and Hillbilly White Trash.

Beauty Queen absolved!

New York - In an announcement which shocked cable news talking heads and enraged radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh Pope Donald of Trump remitted the sins of Miss USA Tara Conner.

Ms. Conner had been seen consuming the products of fermentation and distillation in various New York drinking establishments in recent weeks in an evident attempt to pre-celebrate her 21st birthday, which finally occurred on Monday.

This latest incident comes on the heels of Ms. Conner's eviction from her room in the Papal Apartments after she was caught sharing "the love which dare not speak its name" (except on the Playboy Channel and Cinemax after 11:00 PM) with Miss Teen USA, Katie Blair.

In a statement distributed by the Papal Public Relations office in the Vatican Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City the Pontiff stated that at heart Ms. Conner was a good person and would be purified from all her transgressions after performing one act of contrition and completing a ritual of penance.

Ms. Conner performed the act of contrition by weeping on camera and vowing to improve her life. The ritual of penance, otherwise known as "attending rehab" will be completed in the near future.

News of the decree of Papal clemency spread like wildfire throughout the offices of cable news outlets and was a topic of conversation among several members of the general public across the nation.

Famed conservative talker Rush H Limbaugh spent the first hour of his nationally syndicated radio show denouncing the reduction of standards and erosion of expectations exemplified by forgiving Ms. Conner's peccadilloes. Mr. Limbaugh then spent the next hour of his program denouncing sports writers who take a judgemental attitude toward professional athletes who face troubles because of substance abuse or other brushes with the law.

In a statement issued by Miss USA Pageant co-owner NBC a spokesman for the television network acknowledged that Miss USA's conduct was a matter of concern to literally dozens of Americans and expressed the hope that the public would be able to find it in their hearts to forgive Ms. Conner half as much as she had already forgiven herself.